Why am I stressed out?

“Happy is he who learns to bear what he cannot change!”

 – J.C.F. von Schiller

Finding any one definition for a complex condition is a hard task by anybodies standards. Any attempt we make to so do will ultimately fall short. Several definitions have been offered which tend to emphasise either the feeling of stress or the physical mechanics of stress. The most commonly accepted definition of stress (mainly attributed to Richard S Lazarus) is that stress is a condition or feeling experienced when a person perceives that demands exceed the personal and social resources the individual is able to mobilize.

My definition comes in two parts as follows:

1. Stress is the feeling that you are losing or have lost control of a situation and that you cannot cope or have become overwhelmed.  

1. Stress is the body in survival mode.  

Together this means that stress is a physical condition induced by your perception of a situation. When human beings perceive a threat of any sort, the brain orders the release of adrenaline into the blood stream. This is an instant boost of energy that enables you to fight harder or to run faster.   It is the fight or flight survival instinct that has kept us alive as a species.  

A perceived threat does not have to be physical to prompt this response. It could be the fear of failure, embarrassment, humiliation or rejection that flips the body and mind into survival mode. When this occurs, the heart beats faster and the blood pressure is raised. The result being more oxygen and blood sugars to empower important muscles. At that point sweat is released to cool those muscles down. Blood is diverted away from the skin to the core so as to minimise the impact of a cut and the mind focuses exclusively on the threat.

In this state people become irritable, anxious, jumpy and defensive. They lose sleep thinking about the problem or working hard to resolve it. Getting along with others becomes difficult; judgement is clouded as is their mental focus and little things cause huge outbursts. Many in this state resort to chemical releases of tension such as alcohol and tobacco.

It is easy to see how this state would have an impact on your performance at work, but what is not so easy to see is how this state, over a prolonged period affects the bodies immune system and makes you more susceptible to high blood pressure, colds, influenza, ulcers, heart disease, strokes and cancer. All of these conditions can be induced by chronic stress.  

In this respect prolonged stress has the same affect on the body as does failing to heed the warning lights on your dash board. It all leads to a break down. What we call burnout is really the end result of exhaustion. At this stage, the body and mind have been in red-alert survival mode for too long and can no longer fight or flee. The individual then simply quits and withdraws, not just from the situation but from society and from reality. Not only does the victim lose the energy to deal with the situation at hand but they also lose the energy to deal with every day chores.   Getting up and having a shower may seem difficult. Going to work is off the menu and socialising with anyone may be out of the question. Instead, these normal activities may be replaced by unusual or addictive ones. Mental illnesses may arrive in the form of chronic anxiety, paranoia, depression and even schizophrenia.  

The psychotic, physical and behavioural symptoms of burn out then create another set of problems on top of the ones that caused the stress in the first place.   The spiral leads downwards and can end up with a host of self-destructive behaviours including drug overdose, alcoholism or outright suicide. Every suicide victim leaves a note; the note says, ‘I couldn’t cope and can’t take this any longer! I’ve run out of ideas, solutions, options and energy. Now death seems better than living!’ The distortions that lead to this way of thinking are developed throughout prolonged periods of unresolved conflict.  

With this definition in mind it seems difficult to see how stress can become our ally. When you understand that stress is the natural response to your perception of a situation, then you can appreciate the fact that nature probably knows best and has enabled the fight/flight rapid response mechanism for very good reasons.  

Relationships – The key to Success!

A lot of work has gone into the subject of success and thousands of volumes have been written by researchers and experts in this field. I have personality devoted many years to understanding why it is that some people succeed in life whilst others fail even though they have the same sorts of intelligences and opportunities. My conclusions can be summarised in one single sentence: Success is the result of quality relationships first with yourself, secondly with your team and thirdly with your customers. 

I discovered that the first key to success is to have a quality (good) relationship with yourself. This involves several critical components including self-esteem, self-belief, self-reliance and self-determination. It also includes making time for yourself, rewarding yourself and taking overall physical, spiritual and mental care for yourself. 

Your second key is to develop an excellent relationship with your personal and professional team. Your personal team includes your family and friends. Your family will either be a source of fulfilment or frustration for you. For most people it is bit of both. The good news is that you can experience more fulfilment and less frustration from your family by becoming an excellent communicator. Almost all marital breakdowns are really communication breakdowns. The inability to communicate is the source of 90% of domestic frustration. Through years of counselling, I have discovered that couples who communicate well can survive any financial or emotional difficulties and seasons whereas couples who do not communicate well tend to split up over minor issues that could have easily been resolved. 

It has been well said, show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are! It could also be said, show me your friends and I’ll tell you where you are going! Although you are an individual, research shows that your friends form a circle of influence around you that both directly and indirectly shape your values, beliefs, goals and personal standards of behaviour and performance. Whether you are aware of it or not, your friends are influencing you and therefore the outcomes of your life. 

Your professional team includes your colleagues, suppliers, professional alliances and staff. Cairo and Diltch offer an excellent definition of leadership in their book ‘why CEO’s fall.’ They say, ‘leadership describes the capacity to build and maintain high performing teams.’ I like this definition because it puts the emphasis where it belongs, namely, with the performance of a team. This means that as a leader, you can perform no better than your team and that your team’s performance is your performance. I am sure that this idea is frustrating to many of you who are leaders. However the good news is that you can improve the performance of your team by becoming a brilliant communicator. Most team failure is really a communications failure. Teams fail for lack of clarity about key results, roles and responsibilities. They fail for lack of rapport, harmony and team spirit. They fail for lack of resource and resourcefulness. They fail for lack of recognition, reward and rest. All of these causes of team failure can be resolved through effective communication techniques. 

The third key to success is to develop a great relationship with your customers. This may sound irrelevant to those of you who are neither self-employed or a business owner. However the truth is that you cannot succeed in life without taking ownership of it. This means becoming the CEO of Me Inc; the managing director of your own life and the president of your own personal services enterprise. In this respect your boss is your customer or client. Your customers give you money in exchange for valuable goods and services. But because we live in the age of consumer choice where the competition is often fierce, customers are increasingly buying relationships and not simply goods and services. They are more concerned with the way you sell than they are with what you sell. The customer wants to be prioritised above the sale itself. They want to be treated with the dignity and respect of a king or queen. They want you to value them and not simply their money. The great news is that by improving your communication skills you can ensure that your customers feel supported, valued and even cherished as they participate in the process of making you rich!